School & Spankings

Which of the two, school or spankings, do you think I’m seeing more of lately? Which S? Hm. Well, you’ll know by the end of this post, that’s for sure.

First off – I successfully passed Neurology.  My quiz grades got progressively better (74, 84, 90) and my final was high enough (a 76) to get me a B in the class (with the quizzes weighted more heavily.  Whew. I am proud of myself.  I have to say, I may not have always studied as much as I could have, even when I’ve gotten good grades, in the past.  For Neurology though, those last two quizzes and the final, I studied my little ass off for.  Unfortunately, I got caught up in studying and completely forgot not one, or two, but three homework assignments.

Because of schedules/roommates/unforseen circumstances, I have yet to be punished for this.  All homework assignments have been handed in now but two were more important than one and might effect my grades in those classes. Alas, I move on and try and do my best.

Today, I had an on-site clinical internship at the school.  We do them three weekends out of the semester and have 2 clients on our clinic dates.  All four of mine have been women and both days I had one older and one younger.  Both times the older clients were a bit loopy.  Such is life I suppose.  For the last few weeks I’ve been worried, and questioning myself.  Am I doing the right thing for me? Did I pick the right thing? I worry so much about doing the wrong thing with my life,  even though I know the right thing is whatever I feel is best for me.

During my first clinic date I felt anxious and couldn’t wait for it to be over.  I was reluctant, going into this one, but once I started on my first client, I really began to enjoy myself.  I closed my eyes, took a lot of deep breaths and got into it.  I think my confidence is building in my technique, and thus in my ability to not only do a good job, but do this at all. I also think I really need to see the doctor about this ADD.

So, I think it’s clear by now which I have seen more of: school. Life unfortunately often gets in the way of plans, especially when your options for play space are limited.  I suppose if I was seriously desperate, I could find *someone* to spank me, but I’ve grown picky again. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not always easy to stick to.  Ah well, such is life right?  There are MSA and SSNY parties coming up though, so that’s a good thing!

-Marie

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Fitting In

Fitting in is a topic that’s been on my mind for a long time (ie. forever) so it was interesting to see Rad and Sandy bring it up on their blogs recently.  In middle school, I had to grow up rather quickly with my home personal life and a few other things, so I really didn’t relate to any of my peers whose primary concerns were very different from my own.

In high school it just got worse. Their primary concerns were still different from mine and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I’ve spent the good part of the last two/three years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, and how to fix it.  I’ve never been able to get along with my peers.  I’m not liberal enough, but I’m too liberal to be conservative.  I’m not strictly and only into spanking, and yet I’m not a kinkster/fetishist. I’m straight and accepting of other orientations, but because I am straight,  I am in a ‘position of privilege’ for not having to deal with identity and gender issues.

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a position of privilege in my entire life.  I was raised on welfare and foodstamps by a single mom with four kids.  I was the only girl and often teased mercilessly.  I was my moms personal verbal punching bag until I moved out, my older brother almost raped me when I was 11, and my father killed himself when I was 13.  I am not sure where the privilege is.  I’ve ever deemed myself underprivileged though. Just different.  I took what I was given and made the most out of it, trying to turn myself into something better, something worth being.

Lately, I’m being reminded more and more of high school all over again.  I’m still trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is.  I’m still learning.  There are a few places I am comfortable in, and that is in my sexuality and my kink orientation.  But the rest of it? Forget it.

I have very few friends around my own age, and those older, while great and awesome and some of the best friends I’ve ever had, are constantly encouraging me to interact more with my ‘peers’ which is simply frustrating.

So where am I at? I am feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere.  A bigger question though? Do I want to fit in? Do I need to? Do I need a group just for me? Why can’t I just pick and choose the people who are best for me and surround myself with them and be happy? That’s what I’ve done until now, but right now everyone is creating their own little groups and I feel as though I don’t belong anywhere.

Forget vanilla life – I become a horribly awkward and shy teenager when even thinking about interacting with people my own age.  They all seem so much more sophisticated than I am, even those a year or two younger than me.

I know this probably sounds like I want a pity party…but I mostly just want to find out who I am and where I best fit into this world, and I’m feeling a little lost…Sorry this post is a little all over the place, but I needed to get these thoughts out.

– Marie

Remembering

This, is Mark.  When I was 12 I first got online and found a yahoo chatroom called Health Lobby.  It became my regular hang out and I was a mascot of sorts with everyone watching out for ‘Soccer’ (that was my nickname made from my screen name.)  Mark’s screen name was Merlin something or other.  He told me I reminded him of his niece who was around my age and redheaded and apparently, just as ‘sassy’ 😉 He was maybe 22 or so.  We got close and after my father died, he’d stay on the phone with me for hours until I fell asleep and then hang up when he was sure I was asleep.  I had horrible nightmares.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you this.  In September-ish of 2007, I ‘came out’ to Mark and he was well, less than pleased.  He was angry with me for lying to him, saying he didn’t know me after all, etc.  We stopped talking and haven’t since.  We had gotten to meet for lunch when I visited the college I’d be going to in Atlanta, as he lived in a very small town just north of there.

On Monday on a complete whim, I called him. I still remembered his number and everything.  His mom answered and said words I never thought I’d ever hear.  You see, Mark was a stubborn SOB. Nothing could get him.  He had a temper, but more so he was a fighter.  He was born with spina bifida and had struggled with it his whole life, but never letting it win.  He coached sports teams, he was a personal trainer, and he was in nursing school.

So hearing “Mark passed away, two years ago…..it was a car accident in December.” from his mom was startling and shocking.  He was really important to me and I just needed to share.  If he was here, he’d throw a downright hissy fit to know that he died in a damn car accident.  He’d kick someone’s butt for sure. I miss him a lot, and knowing he’s not even sitting in front of the TV grumbling about some team losing, makes me miss him even more.

– Marie