That Girl Marie

Fitting in is a topic that’s been on my mind for a long time (ie. forever) so it was interesting to see Rad and Sandy bring it up on their blogs recently.  In middle school, I had to grow up rather quickly with my home personal life and a few other things, so I really didn’t relate to any of my peers whose primary concerns were very different from my own.

In high school it just got worse. Their primary concerns were still different from mine and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I’ve spent the good part of the last two/three years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, and how to fix it.  I’ve never been able to get along with my peers.  I’m not liberal enough, but I’m too liberal to be conservative.  I’m not strictly and only into spanking, and yet I’m not a kinkster/fetishist. I’m straight and accepting of other orientations, but because I am straight,  I am in a ‘position of privilege’ for not having to deal with identity and gender issues.

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a position of privilege in my entire life.  I was raised on welfare and foodstamps by a single mom with four kids.  I was the only girl and often teased mercilessly.  I was my moms personal verbal punching bag until I moved out, my older brother almost raped me when I was 11, and my father killed himself when I was 13.  I am not sure where the privilege is.  I’ve ever deemed myself underprivileged though. Just different.  I took what I was given and made the most out of it, trying to turn myself into something better, something worth being.

Lately, I’m being reminded more and more of high school all over again.  I’m still trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is.  I’m still learning.  There are a few places I am comfortable in, and that is in my sexuality and my kink orientation.  But the rest of it? Forget it.

I have very few friends around my own age, and those older, while great and awesome and some of the best friends I’ve ever had, are constantly encouraging me to interact more with my ‘peers’ which is simply frustrating.

So where am I at? I am feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere.  A bigger question though? Do I want to fit in? Do I need to? Do I need a group just for me? Why can’t I just pick and choose the people who are best for me and surround myself with them and be happy? That’s what I’ve done until now, but right now everyone is creating their own little groups and I feel as though I don’t belong anywhere.

Forget vanilla life – I become a horribly awkward and shy teenager when even thinking about interacting with people my own age.  They all seem so much more sophisticated than I am, even those a year or two younger than me.

I know this probably sounds like I want a pity party…but I mostly just want to find out who I am and where I best fit into this world, and I’m feeling a little lost…Sorry this post is a little all over the place, but I needed to get these thoughts out.

– Marie